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WELL... last night was ....fun haha at the pub, Alex drank toms spit... for me!!! ewww i know!
i'm still struggling with many a problem, mostly not mine but a few are, i havent spoken to Tom today and now i miss him :( i tried ringing him earlier but i got no answer :(
i have a ballet exam tomorrow and myco and aggghh!!! and im really ill :( the joys of life

i wrote more peoms last night i will post them up soon as i know you must be dying to read!
and i wrote a monolouge i think its the only way im going to reach tom when he gets to me... ifi act it out in front of the class,

here it is...


My own monologue

…We used to be so good, me and him, a real double act, could never separate us, always together, on the phone at a house in the town, 4 wonderful years of a friendship that seemed to withstand everything, I used to make believe we were siblings you know, twins, I always wanted a twin brother, someone to make a secret language with or some random secret handshake, someone I knew I could always run too and we’d run together through everything, no matter what the consequences. He was my best friend, my soul mate, not a day went by when we didn’t talk or see each other always gossiping and laughing, making little jokes sniggering at comments, like real friends do. Then it came to decision time, school was coming to an end, where do I go!? Stay where I was with all my friends? The place I knew? Take subjects I wasn’t going to be happy in? but stay just to suit my mother? Or that wonderful place. Where I could be anything I wanted to be, meet new people, be a new person, and a plus point, be a new person with my twin! But what would he think? That I was following him? I was copying him? Surely not we’re best friends he wouldn’t mind! Surely he’d be over the moon his best friend was going to be at the same place as him?
Well the time came, I joined, it was great new people new place, new me, new time to spend with him. We started off so well! Making new friends, exploring, creating It was perfect, then one day it changed. Just stopped, he didn’t want to talk to me as much, he didn’t come round as much, he became cold and harsh, our double act was becoming more a solo act. He seemed happy enough, he was himself in his space, it was his calling, it was such a joy to watch him fly and be appreciated instead of being crushed like where he was before. It just seemed that slowly I was being pushed aside, he had new people now who loved him I wasn’t needed anymore to comfort and help he didn’t need to show off to just me, I was just like the others now.
It tore me up you know, I had to pretend I was fine when I wasn’t of course I wasn’t! if your friend drifted further and further away you would be pretty crushed too!, anyway I kept on going, letting out the odd tear now and again at home, but things got worse, I had to say something. So I did I wrote a letter said everything, I thought things were fine, we slowly became more normal again it was like life was rewinding I was chuffed! Things were ok, you know average, and they still are I guess. It’s just you know when it hurts to let someone go so you don’t because you know you’d rather them be horrible than not see them at all, and I just make believe we’re like the twins from skins you know we need each other and we’re still close but we need time apart, I hope he does care about me… I love my little brother, see I even call him my little brother, because I believe it so much, I guess I just want him care for me like I care for him, but people change don’t they, I know he’s there somewhere, guess I just need to find a way to wake him up….






Its about a girl talking about her best friend while looking at a picture after her boyfriend asks ‘who’s this?’ picking up the picture and she explains emotionally who it is and what he is to her…

A problem shared is a problem halved... but now i have the half of yours to add to growing number!

God, college was awful today, the atmosoehere was horrible, so many people so many problems.Alex...Hattie..Abi..Ruth..Rory..Franni.... Hana.. Alex M... its nice to know people feel they can tell me things... but i was so happy this morning, now im all confused and mixed up i have too many emotions some of which aren't even mine but others that have sahred them to make them feel better... im feeling a bit suffocated... like a washing machine almost on a cycle having to cope with so much....

i need an escape but i dont want my friends to stay trapped i need to help free them too... the only way is to help... even if that means being trapped myslef when i really dont want to be or can afford to be...

There's a fine fine line between a lover and a friend...

Hi all!

ive decided to mkae this post less deep, i say less but it still may be, I had a Jesus Christ rehearsal today, i felt so in charge it was crazy... tom wasnt there... i think thats what made it so empowering i wasn't being crippled by him, but anyway, last night i was talking to Alex, Ruth told him i dont like him and that i just dont wanna break his heart... thing is though i dont think thats true, i don't know if i like him or not :( i'm totally confused... i think i may also like some other people.... my flirtatious side has come out a bit recetntly, im totally confused and read int things too deeply and i dont like it,

buggarations!
anyway i can't think of anything to say at the minute, i'll be on later... after ive spoken to tom.. he always makes me feel deep and emotional.. hmmm

Frozen Memories, pictures

I was looking through photos earlier, photos of a friend, with his girlfriend, touching lips, caressing eachother smiling and i want it, i want it back, i then looked at the photos of a party my friends have been at and i saw my ex, i wanted what we had back i wanted us to have those photos again, ugh i want the saftey of someone to love me again,

i think im a generally ok girl, so why can't i have the ones i want!

Depression is the first and formost way of expression...

A few of my favourite quotes from a play....

*My lighter, superficial side will always be too quick for the deeper side of me, and that's why it will always win. You can't imagine how often ive already to tried to push this person away, to cripple her, to hide her, because after all she's only half of what is called me. And he has touched my emotions more deepply than anyone else has done before,- except in my dreams....*


* I am so frightened, i am so frightend of the unexpected sunrise finishing of revelations and tears and the excitement finishing.I don't fight it, my love is this fear, i nourish it who can nourish nothing, fear hems me in.
I am concious that these miuntes are short and that the colous in my eyes will vanish when your face sets. *

*It really is a wonder i haven't dropped all my ideals because they seem so absurd so impossible to carry out. Yet i keep them, because in spite of everything i still believe that people are really good at heart.*

Some people run right into the fire, some people hide they're only desires...

Hey! my first post!

last night i had Alex and Abi to stay, Tom didn't though... he's really upset me recently, those who don't know Tom is my 'best friend' well i wish he is and kid myself he is, i love him to pieces he's my little brother, but recently things have changed, things haven't been right. I'm a little tired of trying anymmore, i don't want anything, all i want is a a little respect, a little gratitiude for being the friend i always have been and never changing any view i have on him due to someone else,

* I'm dancing a duet alone, the steps distorted and out of time, i need you to catch me when i jump too high and pick me up when i fall, i stand behind your shadow, walking your life, i'm here and always have been, i'm singing a duet alone, the notes are wrong the words seem off, i need you to drag me back to sanity, to hum the harmony of friendship in my ear again so i know you care, im standing here waiting, your back turned to me over there, what happens if i walk away, if our duolouge turns to mono? will you fall and break? or will you watch me crumble, i need your movement to keep me strong i need the tune to keep me long, im always here and always have been *