Ahhh...

I love Roy Edward Campbell more than life itself!

and FINALLY tom said those words ive been waiting to hear in aLONG time! ' you're my best friend' at bloody last! haha but yes we're officialy best friends and i have two boys now, both who i love very much in very different ways but all the same i love my boys!
xxxx

IM HAPPY!

Its nearly Christmas!!! yay!!

done all my christmas shopping! and wrapping and im really excited about Hairspray tomorrow with my darling Tom, had frannis paarty last night it was immense! loved it had a bit to drink and a laugh, was really enjoyable! :D

I love Rory too, i feel like a bad Gf havent seen him in forever 3 days and i miss him, ... its funny how you can fall more and more in love in 8 months... but i guess it happened over 4 years for other people.... hmm im a happy bunny and ITS CHRISTMAS!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

This better not be the beggining of that all over again..... i can't fucking take it.... we're so good and so close.. don't change that now!

'tonight will be the night i fall for you ,over agian ,dont make me change my mind i wont live to see another day i swear its true cuz A BOY LIKE YOU IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND, i always swore to you i'd never fall apart you alwyas thought i was stronger i may have failed but i have loved you from the start...'


xxx

I love them

I love these people


Rory: i love you so much im so glad to have found such an amazzing person in you. You keep me sane and strong you always lift me up and i love you with all my heart, your my spirit and im taking you with me wherever i go! I love you end. FACT

Tom: You're my best friend, my brother, my rock, im always here for you and you always cheer me up with the smallest of things like a kiss on a text or a hug or just concern for me! i love you so much my babba and i hope i mean the same to you. Ever leave me and i will hunt you down... and eat you!

Ruth: You're so amazing and determind and kick me up the ass when i need it! and ready to talk and chat and hug and you mkae me feel so good i love you so much im so lucky to have a friend like you! we will always stay close whether you like it or not cheesecake! :Di love you!

Zoe: Well zoz what can i say.. your so amazingly fantastic you make me giggle without doing anything, you cheer me up, you're always there and i rely on you for so much sometimes! i love you so much and i still owe you for the time when i called you at 1 in the morning about rory! i love you!

HattieKINS!: What can i say, lesbinim lover! you mkae me smile, give me tea and cuddles i feel i have a true friend in you, you're amazing and lovely and cuddly and my lesbinim! i love you!!!!

Abisnail! : You're also my kins! and scnappi and snail! and schlimmy! you've helped me through so much, your a true friend and i can always rely on you you always keep a brave face on and are always there for cuddles when i need them... and im sorry i hit your foot! i love you!

Ross!: My daddy! you mkae me chuckle everytime i see you! you always care and joke and make me laugh... your just amainzg and im so glad to have met you!
I love you!


there are so many more but they can goin the next one!

xxxxxxxxxxx

I'm not ready its all going so quickly!

i want to pause the hands of time, i want to stop dead for a day at least just pause at about 8 in the morning and leave it that way just so i can grab back some of the time thats slipping slowly away.... im an ND2 and its 8 days till half term! thats half a term gone! we're nearly halfway through october.... im not ready, personal statements... SHIT KNOWS! 5 hours 4 lines! 4 lines! thats all i did! thats nothing... im not good enough,... rory wants to go to East15 toms going somewhere he'll get in somewhere... my two boys leaving me.... i dont know how im going to cope.... especially tommy hes my best friend ever in the whole world.... i love him to pieces i cant imagine losing him.....or rory hes my rock... im so scared... scared of the future... i know that im going to be hurting SO much in the next 2 years! SO MUCH it scares me to think of that pain... to think of that loss... all the people who i hold close and the things that keep me sane...

TOM
RORY
RUTH
ZOE
HATTIE
ALEX
ABI
COLLEGE
MYCO
OX OP
..... all gone..... poof gone like that and then its hello new life hello new friends hello new love... hello new best friend.... i dont want it I WONT LET IT HAPPEN!

i want to keep my list of things.. all of those... all of them.. especially the top two.... if they go i'll have no heart they take up half each.... my brother and my baby, and my rock and my love..... its taken me 17 years to finally get enough of myself together and work me out to change.... i'll fall apart at the seams... shattered.. and i've only just got it all... its like water you hold the cool pretty calm happiness in your hands but it slowly trickles through the cracks and you're left cupping nothing but shattered dropplets like memories desperatly trying to drink the pool thats edging away....

i cant ask for them to wait im not so cruel... i want them to be so happy.... but i just wish i could be part of that picture....


' i'd love you even if we'd never met....' ...... but im so glad we did... ' like a handprint on my heart'...... you'll never change in my eyes...

Being complete.... feels so right yet so wrong

I really hope College doesn't ruin my happiness im so complete at the moment,

im finally at peace with everything and the only things im worrying about is trying to find a singing and dance teacher.... please god leave it like that,... it'll make my year a HELL of a lot easier... or at least please just leave MYCO Ox Op and Tom and Rory and my girlies ok... thats all i ask... its taken me a year to get here,... don't let it go back...


it might just be the end of me...

Something always brings me back to you. it never takes to long...

"Something always brings me back to you. it never takes to long, no matter what i say or do i still feel you here when im gone you hold me without touch

you keep me without chains ive never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

set me free leave me be i dont wanna fall another moment into your gravity
here i am and i stand so tall just the way im supossed to be..."

Life is never simple...

Bulging..
Huge..
Monster...
Lumpy..
Hideous..
Blubbery..







Is it just me who sees the creature of repulsiveness staring back at me....

Hmmm....

I had such a fantastic day today what with Sister Act and Tom being so lovely to me recently... but im on my bed and im thinkning and listening to music and thinking.... thinking about Rory.... hes in edinburgh till next week hes been gone for 4 weeks.... i went to see him but when i was there i felt like he had changed so much... not in a good way.. he seemed constantly glazed.. not interested lost his spark for me..... it made me cry so much... all i could think when i was there was i wanted to go home... i cried so much and i have no clue why i just felt that rory has lost his passion for me.... we argued so much... it feels like we're just a pysical couple and have no emotional bonding.... i hate this feeling.. i dont know what it is.. i know he loves me he tells me but i just wanna talk and laugh and cuddle and do nice things.... it feels like i havent done that recently i thought we'd be so close after 3 weeks but it was just ... odd..... i felt so happy to begin wih but cried so much.. he wont wake up for me now.. hhe wont watch me sleep like he used to, he wont cuddle me or hold my hand... hes doing weed again and smoking so much and he was glad that i was going in a way because he could goout and have fun again.... i feel like a tag along bring down girlfriend who can't do anything... i feeel so young i guess... i dont want him to reaslise that.... i just want to feel loved again.... i know he loves me i just wish hed show it.... he has no idea how much i sacraficed to be with him.. i wish he would do the same...

Life is good

I love my boyfriend
I love my friends (in a different way)
I love My best friend (in a different way from both.. more a family love)


shame he couldnt stay tonight, still edinburgh tomorrow!!!

xxxxxxxx

Take time to realize....

hmmm.....

I believe in angles but i call them best friends...

I LOVE these people more than life itself they are my best friends...

• Tom/Tommy/Babba/Babs/Brother
• Abikins
• Hattieikins
• Cheesecake
• Pidge
• Rory
• Steph
• Emily
• Lois /Lo Lo/Lo

i call these people my best friends.... I love them

xxxx

:)

Right so havent written in a while :) lots to say

i got a new job! .. well for a week! i'm teaching a summer school drama thing for a week, :D £250 for the week! thats from the 3rd-7th! yay! money!

Oh Xoz had a baby girl! :)

Tom stayed over last night, we camped in a tent, it was so fun! tom made a new version of chicago, its the sex version i was a little scared, gave tom a back massage again.. i either nearly killed him or he went to sleep... but yeah then we talked for ages! he goes away on saturday though :( then he gets back i go to work for the week but i'll see him in the evenings, then after that i go to Guilford for a week.. im so scared!!!! .:( but it should i be fun!

i'm really missing all my friends at the moment... especially college people like Hattei, Ruth, Zo, Megan, Gemmawemma, Abi and espcially alex.. i havent spoken to him or been round him or anything.. well there was frankies last friday but that was just ackward and everyone at the party from gosford all hate me! i was so like :( why did he have to put me down.. im looking frward to next week though! im staying at rorys parents house for the week before he goes to edinburgh!! :( but yeah... thats a basic catch up...

but generally im a happy bunny :) things are perfect with Tom and we're really good :) loves it so yeah hopefully life will stay fun!


loves and hugs!
xxxxxxxxxxx

Is it Love... or Sex?

I love him i really do... sitting here in the darkness with him.. on his ipod me on here typing my heart away.... i dont know... he says he cares but does he only want 1 thing.... it seems that way sometimes... dont want another scenerio where i fall for him more than they me... i cant take thay kind of pain all over again.... i really want this to work.... but im scared... and i dont know if i should be.... i dont know i dont feel right sometimes.... i feel sad and used i know he says he loves me... i dont know am i just being stupid.... i cant bare more pain...thats the one thing i cant do with.... i love him... im falling in love with him...but what happens if its just me.. i dont wanna long for someone who doesnt even care ive done that so much and im tired of it now...all my life i have just wanted someone to love me,... and to mean it for good...and someone who can be my best friend as well as my boyfruiend..... i dont know... i m worried now hes got me im going to lose him.... he's getting bored and i can almost see it... it mkaes me want to cry and shatter into a thousand pieces but i cant.... i love him... i wont tell him i know ir how i feel i dont wanna push him away or change him....


I love him. I'm in love with him.

Why me?

Short one tonight....

bad time at myco, jelous of tom, miss boyf, cant dance, failure,hate my life.
xxx

Time....

Sorry its been so long...!

been busy with my boy MFL AND Myco,
well anyway finished college now, 3 months off, find a job, edinburgh, GSA, London, Uni parks, Holiday, Work, Tom, Rory, Friends,

im so wierd at the moment feel really lost... i dont know what it is... im happy.. well i think im happy... i feel a bit off at the moment.. i feel not right very much out of place.maybe i miss tom... i spent a lot of time with him recently and i havent spoken to him or been with him a lot since... i dunno... lifes just a bit odd at the minute.. on the plus side though i have just oredered my new tamagotchi :D me and Zoz can be cool and have tami friends!!! yay!!

but yeah, oh wow just remembered i forgot to tell you about last week, well last tuesday... i went to see Sister Act with Tom it was really nice and i loved it so much!!! one of the best musicals ive ever seen :D then on froday i stayed rounds toms it was fun we stayed up talking and stuff :) then saturday was his suprise party!! he loved it (well i hope he did) wass really fun then he stayed over and we stayed up talking to gems in msn, had a pillow fight chatted, made a double bed on the floor gave him a back massage and a cuddle and then we slept for AGES! his mum came at like half 9 though! lol!! then sunday i went to the pub with abs and john and rory and stuff, then we went back to johns it was really fun!! in the morning me and hattie made a HUGE fry up and it was so awesome the boys drinkning and plaing pool me abs and hattiekins sunbathing then mine and Hats shower she is my officail lesbian lover now :P only her! lol! rory got so paranoid though! bless him!
but yeah then sunday night i stayed round rorys flat it was nice i wa so so tired though! then tuesday i .....cant remeber... then wednesday rory came over... bought me sunglasses was fun layed in the sun :) ten had myco! gay! i then stayed round rorys flat with Zoz that was a fun night we ate pasta at 2am!! haha!then yesterday we went to town with Jack Nathan Rory and Zoz and i bought a whole new wardrobe :D then i had ox op didnt do much at all! then i came home rory stayed over and we had a good night,, he went home today and i didnt do anything,, so yeah... thats my life in the oast few weeks....

Its been a long time ...

Right, where to start...

ok basics

1) I have a lovely boyfriend called rory edward campbell who (suprisingly) i have fallen for extreamly quickly and actually aam starting to properly love very much...
2)Had a fall out with Alex over it..
3)Stopped talking to Megs and Gems and others for a while but i had my gorgeous Zoe and Ruth keeping me going.. and Rory of course :)
4)Met Ross face to face.. hes a legend!!!!! :D (even if hes stealing my boyfriend!!!)
5)Went to the polo with Hattie Luke and Alex.. was a bit ackward to begin with but now is a lot better :)


so anyway... yeah thats a small run down... ive decided im going to post a lot like facebook what id like to say to people at the moment but its going to be longer and more in depth.. and probs more than 10...

one major person would be... Alex
ive wanted to talk to him for ages now... tell him like how i truely feel so yeah..

' I'm sorry... i know ive said it a lot and it means jack for all the hurt youve gone thorugh but i truely am.. i never wanted to hurt you.. i care a lot about you.. you're an amazing guy who didnt deserve to go through that but i hope you are happy for me and we can be good friends again.. i dont like how we dont really talk anymore... i dont like how i feel i cant talk to you or megan or gemma or anyone because i dont wanna upset you.. i know it hurt.. ive been there.. and yeah i know i shouldnt have but i cant help how i feel.. i feel awful for doing it,.. but if you could read this.. and every other pst you would see how much of a struggle its been and how much it pained me.. Zoe knows.. its been hard for me too and at last im happy and im set and not confused... i hope we can be good again and meet up, do things talk, laugh, you can come over for tea, me you tom abs can all got o the pub and have a good time... i miss you alex and you're one of the best friends ive got.. its been so hard to lose you... i love you. and im sorry. '


next one...

'Whats going on,... are you tired of me... are we still best friends i feel i dont see you anymore.. we never do anything together anymore i dont get hugs and texts and calls... its all me working hard for you... why cant you just sometimes show me you care and that i mean even a little bit of something to you.. i know youve been stressed lately but that doesnt mean you have to be mean and blunt... you can still hug me talk to me meet up.,.. im sorry im not abi or laura but we used to be so amazing have such a fantastic friendship and now i feel i dont have you anymore. you're my world darling.. ive had you in my life so long.. i almost feel like your mother, knowing everythin for you... making sure you're always on time, knowing what you're doing.. just general things... i dont like you as anything more than my best friend and sometimes i get the impression you think im in love with you or a i want you or something... baby that would be incest!!! :) i just want a best friend ... hopefully you'll come out of this soon and we can spend a nice summer together.. i wont desert you for rory... you're number 1 you're my best friend... friends come before boyfriends so dont be afraid to talk to me... you can trust me .. you're my brother my twinny... lets just chat ..i loveyou babba ..'


' You're one of the most amazing girlies in the world... you and the other pretty lady :) you two make everything ok again.... always.. you make me laugh so much,.. i feel i can be me around you and it doesnt matter when i look a complete twat i know you'll just laugh along with me.. you make me feel accepted and comforted i know i can always winge to you and you wont care .. and you know i'll do the same and i'll always tr and help... the both of you!!! i couldnt imagine my life without you two... youve made mine and rorys life a hell of a lot better and easier by accepting us and standing by us!!! god i love you two!!!! and i hope to never lose you two!!!'



'I have never fallen for someone as much as ive fallen for you.. you are just perfect to me... i love you.. ive never fallen in love so quickly before.... i miss you everytime you're not with me... i count down the hours till i next see you, i smile everytime i think of your smiling face and your eyes.. you make my life worth living sometimes and youve helped me overcome some shit.. i took a risk on you and i dont regret it at all... youve held my hand through all the crap and we've stayed strong through all the shit been thrown our way.. im so comfortable with you and you make everything seem so amazing..im sorry i take you for granted sometimes and i hit you.. i know i shouldnt... i dunno i just... you make me so happy ... i love you so much and i couldnt ask for a better boyfriend :) '


' Ive met you face to face once... you're a legend and i think you're a great guy and i want to get to know you better!!! :D ahh but stay away from my boyfriend i know he has gay tendencies but stay away hes all mine ;P!!! '



'Im so glad i have you... we've become such good friends i love it so much!!! i love how easily we talk and how i can confide in you but we have our jokes and laughs! you're such a good friend young lady and im always here for a chat and a cuddle :) love you slimeey!!!'




i think thats it..

people in my post...


Rory
Ruth
Zoe
Abi
Tom
Alex
ROSS!! :D haha

im not doing this anymore...

i can't break a heart... but i have too...
idont want to lose the people i hold close... but i may have to..


i need to grow up and face facts...


I can't do this anymore... it hurts

At least i have you.....

:(

Maybe its just time to face facts... Shit..

Friendship is only a word to you... it has a meaning to me!

I will never be nice to him again ifs gunna act like that!!! rude twat! i offered him and abs a lift home as it was late and you know i didnt want them catching a bus that time and he was so stubborn and stupid! its not like im after anything in return!! i was just trying to be a good friend and yet again it was thrown back in my face.. if he EVER has a go at me again when im only trying to be nice im actually going to slap him so hard!!! im so angry!! and 10 seconds before that i lent him another 2 quid making the total £15 but no emma doesnt mean anything she just lends money and gives lifts she's always there and nice so i can treat her how i want!!! FUCK HIM! im tired of it!!! grrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!


great show tonight though!

HEHEHEHE 42ND STREET IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love him :)



^-^

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAPPPPYYY TIMMESSS

What just happened??

Please....

Constantly seeking aproval and love from that one person who will never show it.... it hurts now...

What is love....
I say i love you...
Am i only saying it.. not feeling it
Do i love him...
But say i love you because he'll never be mine..

im crying, crying tears i thought i'd cried.... they burn ...

Deep in my heart im concealing things i am longing to say...
frightened you'l slip away... you must love me....

I want to give up on myself...im tired of being strong.. why can't i collapse and crumple into a ball why do i always deal with it alone....but why cant the others understand.... and why doesnt he want to hear... i feel like a stuck record...it hurts now.....



Why are you never there when i need you...
Why am i always there to catch you...........

Im torn in two..

I don't know whats going on.. how i feel... im so sad now when today was so good .... i enjoyed today.. why do i feel so bad.. why do i feel the urge to talk to tom or steph... was what i did today wrong... why do i feel so bad now...

I'm going to cry, cry everything out of me every feeling... i don't want to feel anymore... even if that feeling is happiness... i judt don't want to feel....

Happiness is the best feeling in the world!!!

I havent't felt this since him....
I haven't loved since him....
I haven't been touched since him....

Now theres you...
You're the new him...

I have never felt so happy....

I hide behind the smiles
Lock the salty tears behind eyes of glass,
Joke and laugh
So totally together on the outside but so utterly shattered inside
Confusion a familiar friend
Sadness an unwelcome guest you just can't get rid of

I look in the mirror, marsked with eyes of black
Cheeks of pink
Skin a soft matt
lips a touch red

But beneath the mask of perfection and happiness
Eyes large and red
Cheeks drained and white
Skin a rough waterfall
lips a rough red


If you look close the cracks begin to show
The seam about to tear
A fragile soul overcome with emotion..
Battered Bruised and totally alone...

Bring it all backk...

Bring back the good times...
Bring back us..
Bring back last year...
Bring back happiness...
Bring back my best friend...

BRING IT ALL BACK TO YOU! DREAM OF FALLING IN LOVE...

I <3 Delta Goodrem

I know I can be a little stubborn sometimesYou might say a little righteous and too proudI just want to find a way to compromiseCos I believe that we can work things outI thought I had all the answers never giving inBut baby since you've gone I admit that I was wrongAll I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lieHow am I going to be strong without you I need you by my sideIf we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'mlost without youI keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without youI keep trying to face the day I'm lost without youHow am I ever gonna get rid of these bluesBaby I'm so lonely all the timeEverywhere I go I get so confusedYou're the only thing that's on my mindOh my beds so cold at night and I miss you more each dayOnly you can make it right no I'm not too proud to sayAll I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lieHow am I going to be strong without you I need you by my sideIf we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'mlost without youI keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without youI keep trying to face the day I'm lost without youIf I could only hold you now and make the pain just go awayCan't stop the tears from running down my faceOhAll I know is I'm lost without you I'm not gonna lieHow am I going to be strong without you I need you by my sideIf we ever say we'll never be together and we ended with goodbye don't know what I'd do ...I'mlost without youI keep trying to find my way but all I know is I'm lost without youI keep trying to face the day I'm lost without you

As i lay in the still dark, a comforting silence filling my ears, the black cloak of night laying gently over everything, only a few select places spattered with the innocent speck of light from a far off source, i lay and wonder... what tomorrows piercing light will bring,.. the same old routine, faces,places, nothing new a constant chug of a grinding life... the unexpected and unknown is but a distant memory... The shadows of the night come out and dance gayly around my docile room, playing games with my eyes,.. the kind of games that make me feel like im not alone, the games of flase truth and hop.. when i am .. totally alone... even my mind has been swallowed by the gaping cavern of dispair... the dark intensifys and the walls seem to close me in into a tiny box of nothing more than me, the shadows, and my bed.. the only comfort is the stillness of the cloak, like a gentle mothers hand craddling a baby, the only time i can be completly alone... but my stillness is shortlived by the birth of day stealing away my time, like my shadows, i am slowly shrunk to nothing as i blend into the burning light of life...

Spirit....Lexi....

Maybe.. just maybe,.. i should give up on both... or maybe just give up on myself...im tired of being strong.. why can't i collapse and crumple into a ball why do i always deal with it alone....



but why cant the others understand.... and why doesnt
he want to hear... i feel like a stuck record...
it hurts now.....

I can't for love nor money get my head round the inner workings of your mind... what is it this time? am i going to to end up having another fucking break down because you wont fucking talk to me about it! i think im being stupid... well Hattie saw it today. i know we're not bloody joined at the hip but you know a little recognition for EVERY FUCKING THING I DO FOR YOU! i love you really do you're my bestest friend in the whole world... just say that to me once in while... i think its down to them... if i wasn't in this huge mess of tangled webs then i'd shrug it off, but its only because you're the one person keeping me sane throughout it i'd die if i lost you, your like half of my body my person and if you tore free i'd be a broken shell shrivilling up.. i like to think you need me more than i need you.. but i think you'd get over it, forget about that broken pile behind you and find aother person... i know you're getting bored of me now... i just can't bare to admit it... i love you so much your my baby brother and i wantyou to stay in my life forever.... how im gunna keep it that way i ahve no idea,... please dont walk away... please...


You're the air in my lungs
The twinkle in my eye
The spring in my step
The dimple in my smile
My end in friendship...

Why can't i find the one... or did i find him and let him slip through my fingers...

I'm kinda tired now of the games and things that have been going on... i wanna start again.. i wanna be free... free to think ... free to do... why am i shackled to so many people i can't escape from... i want to run, to fly... i want to find you again to soar by your side.. i let you slip through my fingers... now im trapped... crashing into walls every way i turn... bits of me here bits of me there... being told what to think .... what to feel... im tired of being a prize... i want to be alone... alone with my thoughts... alone with me... to breathe a breath of air that it totally my own and no longer stale with the mist of others... i want to break these chains that keep me bound to these souls... i was worried about ripping free, now im not so sure... am i willing to die be suffocated to satisfy the others or do i tear free, patch up the damage best i can and move on... i dont know what to do anymore, someone give me a sign.... i want you back to lift me out, ...


I DONT WANT THIS ANYMORE, I WANT TO GET OF ALL OF YOU THATY BIND ME TO MY EMOTIONS EVEN IF JUST FOR A DAY!!!!!!

Im lifted by your darknes...

He says such nice things about me.... is it wrong to like it?

.....

i love talking to rory.... but i worry im upsetting alex....

xxxxxx

hold on tight to your darkened key...little shadow...

Does he actually want to be my friend or am i the one who he knows will take all his crap, catch him, big him up, do i mean anything to him at all?

i know he does deep down, even if i only catch glimpses!!!!

we're eachothers rocks, i know we are....

I cant do this....why cant i it both ways...

He has complete power over me... he mkaes me smile he lifts me up brings me down, knows me.. i like that he mkaes me feel safe... hes broken i can fix him


He mkaes me feel loved... cared for... appreciated... he will neture me... i dont have to do anything to him, he can try figure me out.. i can be less self concious



which one do i have...

im not a trophy girl...

I dont want to be a possesion ive been that for too long... i still am... but they dont know it i just dont want to to be controlled by people trying to get me... im not a trophy... im real ...

i feel a bit like a rag doll at the minute, being tossed around a bit..

Little shadow....to the night will you follow me..?

I'm so confused a goldfish probably knows more what to do than me....

Little Shadow...
or
Little Princess

half of me wants one, the other half wants the other....
but does my heart want something else entirely.... or just something it can't....


Im a dark princess who just wants her prince.... but does her prince want her...

I have the best frined in the world.... sometimes

I had such a lovely day with tommy and he was vunerable and i was there and he noticed it and acknowledged it...kinda... but ive realised i dont care... hes my best friend i should be there, i have so many people to fall on in my life as i love them all and i know they love me but tom has fewer, and it would hurt me more to see him fall so i keep him up, i do love him though, we had a good day, and i hope we have more like this!
:D:D:D

Make up my mind..make up my heart...

Im going out for dinner with Alex tonight.... should i... im so confused on how i feel.... i dont who i like what i like aaggghhhrrrr and i feel like ssuch a bitch to both Alex and Rory .... i possibly did lead them on not knowing whether anything was going to happen... am i a bad person?? i hope not... i always vowed to be everyones friend, make everyone happy, put everyone first... maybe when trying to make everyone happy i didnt realise i was hurting others.... oh now i feel like an awful person.... grrr and i feel so guitly always complaining about Tom... hes my best friend,... if i have a problem with him i should tell him shouldnt i... well why dont i why do i post it on a blog.... where everyone else knows how angry i am at him,.. just not him.... i love him to pieces i really do... and i always put him before me... thats the way its always been, i always put besties first.... i miss him.... :( i havent spoken to him since yesterday.. seen him since saturday... hes my brother... i see my sister everyday.. why not him... maybe this is my problem... im too possesive... oh dear... ugh i should very much stop getting so paranoid... but its like being worrired about him and dealing with situations i create, it stops me thinking about the real issue.... with Alex.... and possibly rory... oh i dont know.... if i could id just have thom back.... that might be more simple for me.... ive been hurt by him before i can handle him ... i dont know if i can handle hurt from anyone else.... but then again im hurting them now.... ohh but like someone said to me recently im scared to take risks, am i scared to take a risk with alex, yes.... i am..... is that most probably my problem. yes it is!!! i find him slightly attractive,... im getting there... slowly.... who knows what might happen... or do i just say no... to avoid hurting the other.... and find someone new.....



Stalight express..expresses my feelings perfectly in a musical theatre song... perfect



It's time to choose between the two of them
I'd better make a startSomeone help me make up my heart
Tell me how to make up my heart
You think two lover would be be twice the fun
It's tearing me apart
Someone help me make up my heart
Tell me how to make up my heart
One of them is strong
One of them is good
But both could turn out wrong
So who gets the part?
Make up my mind, make up my heart
I don't want one to win and one to lose#
Can't tell them yes or no
Choosing one means letting one go
Oh I can't face letting one of them go
You'd think two lovers would be twice the fun
It's tearing me apart
Someone help me make up my heart
One of them has style
Sets the world alight
The other makes me smile so who gets the part?
Make up my mind make up my heart
Make up my mind, please make up my heart
It's time to choose between the two of them
I'd better make a start
Somone help me make up my heart
Tell me how to make up my heart
One can make me laugh
One can make me sigh
Why tear myself in half
So who gets the part
Make up my mind, please make up my heart
Please someone help me make up my heart
Tell me how to make up my heart.


good old pearl....

Oh dear..

I feel like such a bitch... all i do is moan about tom... and i love him lots.. i should bitch about my best friend my little brother...

anyone who reads this...please know i do love my bestie.. i just get frustrated...

Im hitting a brick wall...

Why won't he just open up and tell me things.... im going round in fricking circles now
hes being such a bitch on facebook chat
always finding ways for us not to meet up anymore...
he doesnt tell me things, he'll go and run and tell his precious laura and hayley and tara and abi but not me.... i wanna tell him how i feel and argue my mind of but i cant.. because we'll never make things right and he'll think im being emotional and clingy.... i cant stand it anymore.... what am i gunna do....

Like a wave you've taken me out to sea, now you've gone back in and left me out in the blue...

It was jesus christ superstar this week
it was awesome...
i miss it
aftershow was fun
until..... tom told jess who he liked...
he didnt tell me
why not me.... he doesnt trust me...
then him and hetty were getting all close and holding hands, cuddling, and although i dont like him in that way i felt a prang of jelosy.... like he should care about me.... and i wanted to cry and slap him but i didnt i laughed and talked burning inside.... why didnt he tell me why did i have to find out that way!!!! he says he doesnt like her.. but he does... and jess glenn.... i just wish one day though he'd come up to me hug me and say what i say to him... i love you you're my best friend.... not love as in romantic love as in family love...friendship love;....... i just want him to show me he cares about me... im always there for him.... but when i go to fall on him i get broken.... all i want is a hug.... i dont want him.... i want his friendship... but i guess that cant be forced i suppose... i just wish he'd acknowledge im there for him and he is me.... i love my little tommy.... why cant he love me too.. like a brother should....

?

WELL... last night was ....fun haha at the pub, Alex drank toms spit... for me!!! ewww i know!
i'm still struggling with many a problem, mostly not mine but a few are, i havent spoken to Tom today and now i miss him :( i tried ringing him earlier but i got no answer :(
i have a ballet exam tomorrow and myco and aggghh!!! and im really ill :( the joys of life

i wrote more peoms last night i will post them up soon as i know you must be dying to read!
and i wrote a monolouge i think its the only way im going to reach tom when he gets to me... ifi act it out in front of the class,

here it is...


My own monologue

…We used to be so good, me and him, a real double act, could never separate us, always together, on the phone at a house in the town, 4 wonderful years of a friendship that seemed to withstand everything, I used to make believe we were siblings you know, twins, I always wanted a twin brother, someone to make a secret language with or some random secret handshake, someone I knew I could always run too and we’d run together through everything, no matter what the consequences. He was my best friend, my soul mate, not a day went by when we didn’t talk or see each other always gossiping and laughing, making little jokes sniggering at comments, like real friends do. Then it came to decision time, school was coming to an end, where do I go!? Stay where I was with all my friends? The place I knew? Take subjects I wasn’t going to be happy in? but stay just to suit my mother? Or that wonderful place. Where I could be anything I wanted to be, meet new people, be a new person, and a plus point, be a new person with my twin! But what would he think? That I was following him? I was copying him? Surely not we’re best friends he wouldn’t mind! Surely he’d be over the moon his best friend was going to be at the same place as him?
Well the time came, I joined, it was great new people new place, new me, new time to spend with him. We started off so well! Making new friends, exploring, creating It was perfect, then one day it changed. Just stopped, he didn’t want to talk to me as much, he didn’t come round as much, he became cold and harsh, our double act was becoming more a solo act. He seemed happy enough, he was himself in his space, it was his calling, it was such a joy to watch him fly and be appreciated instead of being crushed like where he was before. It just seemed that slowly I was being pushed aside, he had new people now who loved him I wasn’t needed anymore to comfort and help he didn’t need to show off to just me, I was just like the others now.
It tore me up you know, I had to pretend I was fine when I wasn’t of course I wasn’t! if your friend drifted further and further away you would be pretty crushed too!, anyway I kept on going, letting out the odd tear now and again at home, but things got worse, I had to say something. So I did I wrote a letter said everything, I thought things were fine, we slowly became more normal again it was like life was rewinding I was chuffed! Things were ok, you know average, and they still are I guess. It’s just you know when it hurts to let someone go so you don’t because you know you’d rather them be horrible than not see them at all, and I just make believe we’re like the twins from skins you know we need each other and we’re still close but we need time apart, I hope he does care about me… I love my little brother, see I even call him my little brother, because I believe it so much, I guess I just want him care for me like I care for him, but people change don’t they, I know he’s there somewhere, guess I just need to find a way to wake him up….






Its about a girl talking about her best friend while looking at a picture after her boyfriend asks ‘who’s this?’ picking up the picture and she explains emotionally who it is and what he is to her…

A problem shared is a problem halved... but now i have the half of yours to add to growing number!

God, college was awful today, the atmosoehere was horrible, so many people so many problems.Alex...Hattie..Abi..Ruth..Rory..Franni.... Hana.. Alex M... its nice to know people feel they can tell me things... but i was so happy this morning, now im all confused and mixed up i have too many emotions some of which aren't even mine but others that have sahred them to make them feel better... im feeling a bit suffocated... like a washing machine almost on a cycle having to cope with so much....

i need an escape but i dont want my friends to stay trapped i need to help free them too... the only way is to help... even if that means being trapped myslef when i really dont want to be or can afford to be...

There's a fine fine line between a lover and a friend...

Hi all!

ive decided to mkae this post less deep, i say less but it still may be, I had a Jesus Christ rehearsal today, i felt so in charge it was crazy... tom wasnt there... i think thats what made it so empowering i wasn't being crippled by him, but anyway, last night i was talking to Alex, Ruth told him i dont like him and that i just dont wanna break his heart... thing is though i dont think thats true, i don't know if i like him or not :( i'm totally confused... i think i may also like some other people.... my flirtatious side has come out a bit recetntly, im totally confused and read int things too deeply and i dont like it,

buggarations!
anyway i can't think of anything to say at the minute, i'll be on later... after ive spoken to tom.. he always makes me feel deep and emotional.. hmmm

Frozen Memories, pictures

I was looking through photos earlier, photos of a friend, with his girlfriend, touching lips, caressing eachother smiling and i want it, i want it back, i then looked at the photos of a party my friends have been at and i saw my ex, i wanted what we had back i wanted us to have those photos again, ugh i want the saftey of someone to love me again,

i think im a generally ok girl, so why can't i have the ones i want!

Depression is the first and formost way of expression...

A few of my favourite quotes from a play....

*My lighter, superficial side will always be too quick for the deeper side of me, and that's why it will always win. You can't imagine how often ive already to tried to push this person away, to cripple her, to hide her, because after all she's only half of what is called me. And he has touched my emotions more deepply than anyone else has done before,- except in my dreams....*


* I am so frightened, i am so frightend of the unexpected sunrise finishing of revelations and tears and the excitement finishing.I don't fight it, my love is this fear, i nourish it who can nourish nothing, fear hems me in.
I am concious that these miuntes are short and that the colous in my eyes will vanish when your face sets. *

*It really is a wonder i haven't dropped all my ideals because they seem so absurd so impossible to carry out. Yet i keep them, because in spite of everything i still believe that people are really good at heart.*

Some people run right into the fire, some people hide they're only desires...

Hey! my first post!

last night i had Alex and Abi to stay, Tom didn't though... he's really upset me recently, those who don't know Tom is my 'best friend' well i wish he is and kid myself he is, i love him to pieces he's my little brother, but recently things have changed, things haven't been right. I'm a little tired of trying anymmore, i don't want anything, all i want is a a little respect, a little gratitiude for being the friend i always have been and never changing any view i have on him due to someone else,

* I'm dancing a duet alone, the steps distorted and out of time, i need you to catch me when i jump too high and pick me up when i fall, i stand behind your shadow, walking your life, i'm here and always have been, i'm singing a duet alone, the notes are wrong the words seem off, i need you to drag me back to sanity, to hum the harmony of friendship in my ear again so i know you care, im standing here waiting, your back turned to me over there, what happens if i walk away, if our duolouge turns to mono? will you fall and break? or will you watch me crumble, i need your movement to keep me strong i need the tune to keep me long, im always here and always have been *