Its nearly Christmas!!! yay!!

done all my christmas shopping! and wrapping and im really excited about Hairspray tomorrow with my darling Tom, had frannis paarty last night it was immense! loved it had a bit to drink and a laugh, was really enjoyable! :D

I love Rory too, i feel like a bad Gf havent seen him in forever 3 days and i miss him, ... its funny how you can fall more and more in love in 8 months... but i guess it happened over 4 years for other people.... hmm im a happy bunny and ITS CHRISTMAS!

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This better not be the beggining of that all over again..... i can't fucking take it.... we're so good and so close.. don't change that now!

'tonight will be the night i fall for you ,over agian ,dont make me change my mind i wont live to see another day i swear its true cuz A BOY LIKE YOU IS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND, i always swore to you i'd never fall apart you alwyas thought i was stronger i may have failed but i have loved you from the start...'


xxx

I love them

I love these people


Rory: i love you so much im so glad to have found such an amazzing person in you. You keep me sane and strong you always lift me up and i love you with all my heart, your my spirit and im taking you with me wherever i go! I love you end. FACT

Tom: You're my best friend, my brother, my rock, im always here for you and you always cheer me up with the smallest of things like a kiss on a text or a hug or just concern for me! i love you so much my babba and i hope i mean the same to you. Ever leave me and i will hunt you down... and eat you!

Ruth: You're so amazing and determind and kick me up the ass when i need it! and ready to talk and chat and hug and you mkae me feel so good i love you so much im so lucky to have a friend like you! we will always stay close whether you like it or not cheesecake! :Di love you!

Zoe: Well zoz what can i say.. your so amazingly fantastic you make me giggle without doing anything, you cheer me up, you're always there and i rely on you for so much sometimes! i love you so much and i still owe you for the time when i called you at 1 in the morning about rory! i love you!

HattieKINS!: What can i say, lesbinim lover! you mkae me smile, give me tea and cuddles i feel i have a true friend in you, you're amazing and lovely and cuddly and my lesbinim! i love you!!!!

Abisnail! : You're also my kins! and scnappi and snail! and schlimmy! you've helped me through so much, your a true friend and i can always rely on you you always keep a brave face on and are always there for cuddles when i need them... and im sorry i hit your foot! i love you!

Ross!: My daddy! you mkae me chuckle everytime i see you! you always care and joke and make me laugh... your just amainzg and im so glad to have met you!
I love you!


there are so many more but they can goin the next one!

xxxxxxxxxxx

I'm not ready its all going so quickly!

i want to pause the hands of time, i want to stop dead for a day at least just pause at about 8 in the morning and leave it that way just so i can grab back some of the time thats slipping slowly away.... im an ND2 and its 8 days till half term! thats half a term gone! we're nearly halfway through october.... im not ready, personal statements... SHIT KNOWS! 5 hours 4 lines! 4 lines! thats all i did! thats nothing... im not good enough,... rory wants to go to East15 toms going somewhere he'll get in somewhere... my two boys leaving me.... i dont know how im going to cope.... especially tommy hes my best friend ever in the whole world.... i love him to pieces i cant imagine losing him.....or rory hes my rock... im so scared... scared of the future... i know that im going to be hurting SO much in the next 2 years! SO MUCH it scares me to think of that pain... to think of that loss... all the people who i hold close and the things that keep me sane...

TOM
RORY
RUTH
ZOE
HATTIE
ALEX
ABI
COLLEGE
MYCO
OX OP
..... all gone..... poof gone like that and then its hello new life hello new friends hello new love... hello new best friend.... i dont want it I WONT LET IT HAPPEN!

i want to keep my list of things.. all of those... all of them.. especially the top two.... if they go i'll have no heart they take up half each.... my brother and my baby, and my rock and my love..... its taken me 17 years to finally get enough of myself together and work me out to change.... i'll fall apart at the seams... shattered.. and i've only just got it all... its like water you hold the cool pretty calm happiness in your hands but it slowly trickles through the cracks and you're left cupping nothing but shattered dropplets like memories desperatly trying to drink the pool thats edging away....

i cant ask for them to wait im not so cruel... i want them to be so happy.... but i just wish i could be part of that picture....


' i'd love you even if we'd never met....' ...... but im so glad we did... ' like a handprint on my heart'...... you'll never change in my eyes...

Being complete.... feels so right yet so wrong

I really hope College doesn't ruin my happiness im so complete at the moment,

im finally at peace with everything and the only things im worrying about is trying to find a singing and dance teacher.... please god leave it like that,... it'll make my year a HELL of a lot easier... or at least please just leave MYCO Ox Op and Tom and Rory and my girlies ok... thats all i ask... its taken me a year to get here,... don't let it go back...


it might just be the end of me...

Something always brings me back to you. it never takes to long...

"Something always brings me back to you. it never takes to long, no matter what i say or do i still feel you here when im gone you hold me without touch

you keep me without chains ive never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

set me free leave me be i dont wanna fall another moment into your gravity
here i am and i stand so tall just the way im supossed to be..."