I'm not ready its all going so quickly!

i want to pause the hands of time, i want to stop dead for a day at least just pause at about 8 in the morning and leave it that way just so i can grab back some of the time thats slipping slowly away.... im an ND2 and its 8 days till half term! thats half a term gone! we're nearly halfway through october.... im not ready, personal statements... SHIT KNOWS! 5 hours 4 lines! 4 lines! thats all i did! thats nothing... im not good enough,... rory wants to go to East15 toms going somewhere he'll get in somewhere... my two boys leaving me.... i dont know how im going to cope.... especially tommy hes my best friend ever in the whole world.... i love him to pieces i cant imagine losing him.....or rory hes my rock... im so scared... scared of the future... i know that im going to be hurting SO much in the next 2 years! SO MUCH it scares me to think of that pain... to think of that loss... all the people who i hold close and the things that keep me sane...

TOM
RORY
RUTH
ZOE
HATTIE
ALEX
ABI
COLLEGE
MYCO
OX OP
..... all gone..... poof gone like that and then its hello new life hello new friends hello new love... hello new best friend.... i dont want it I WONT LET IT HAPPEN!

i want to keep my list of things.. all of those... all of them.. especially the top two.... if they go i'll have no heart they take up half each.... my brother and my baby, and my rock and my love..... its taken me 17 years to finally get enough of myself together and work me out to change.... i'll fall apart at the seams... shattered.. and i've only just got it all... its like water you hold the cool pretty calm happiness in your hands but it slowly trickles through the cracks and you're left cupping nothing but shattered dropplets like memories desperatly trying to drink the pool thats edging away....

i cant ask for them to wait im not so cruel... i want them to be so happy.... but i just wish i could be part of that picture....


' i'd love you even if we'd never met....' ...... but im so glad we did... ' like a handprint on my heart'...... you'll never change in my eyes...