10 years on.

A frightened little girl, once broken and small looking for love to fix her, to patch up the cracks and smooth it over. Now a woman, a wife, a homeowner, a company director, manager. And still, standing in front is a small broken little girl, who isnt looking for love to fix her but is just trying to fix herself. Love does not fix you, not the love of others, of a man, of friends, it comes from you. You cant find a love to save you, no one is coming. you are doing this on your own and thats ok, its a fight, I know its tiring and you feel exactly as you did 10 years ago, 11 years, 12 even but keep going Em. Keep going Em Keep going Listen to past you, look at past you, she was screaming for help and you didnt help her... shes broken and shattered 11 years on. Its like shes written how you are now, 11 years ago.... dont lose her. She needs help, she needs looking after, she needs a hug, shes waiting for you, for you to come and get her, pick her up and look after her. That fragile girl is you. As i lay in the still dark, a comforting silence filling my ears, the black cloak of night laying gently over everything, only a few select places spattered with the innocent speck of light from a far off source, i lay and wonder... what tomorrows piercing light will bring,.. the same old routine, faces,places, nothing new a constant chug of a grinding life... the unexpected and unknown is but a distant memory... The shadows of the night come out and dance gayly around my docile room, playing games with my eyes,.. the kind of games that make me feel like im not alone, the games of flase truth and hop.. when i am .. totally alone... even my mind has been swallowed by the gaping cavern of dispair... the dark intensifys and the walls seem to close me in into a tiny box of nothing more than me, the shadows, and my bed.. the only comfort is the stillness of the cloak, like a gentle mothers hand craddling a baby, the only time i can be completly alone... but my stillness is shortlived by the birth of day stealing away my time, like my shadows, i am slowly shrunk to nothing as i blend into the burning light of life... Em no one is coming you have to do this for you, Falling apart is an option but you will have to pick up even more tiny shards, and there will be more and more missing everytime. I dont know whether you'll come back if you fall apart... I know you keep being told you are strong but what if you're not? What if you cant pick yourself up again and thats it. I dont think you have the strength to do that, use that strength you do have to keep yourself together, I know its cracking, I know you are breaking but you cant fall apart. Tell Danny and Rachel about what you thought earlier, just tell them. The empty void will pass you will stop feeling this, I think...

hahaha re reading a previous post and realising im no happier now than when i wrote the original post hahaha oh well

Well, its been a while.. So now at Roe Bruford making my way through, its fun! and exciting and i love it! missing musical theatre like mad but i am enjoying myself and im happy.. well as happy as i can be, making me tougher to whats going on around me. So i was in a realtionship with Harry Hemingway-Mcghee! i know hes young but hey we had a good time... for a while then it kind of all went to shit and i didnt really know what to feel, was kinda weird feeling all that agaill n only after 10 months... haha oh well im a complicated one me! So was getting on with life nicely... single but getting along, who needs men anyway... then i ran into Matthew Taylor... well what can i say about Matt Taylor... hes tall dark handsome and oh so charming! So i bumped into him in a club... was like someone set off a little spark in me... haha maybe this guy... who has been so persistant for so many years has a point... so i opened up to him..told him i liked him and began to properly fall for him... i really liked him... and then! well i was speaking to Anna Moore... we met Matt in Wahoo together... well she was there.. and yeah so apparently they get on really well and they like eachother and are seeing eachother.... felt like someone had slapped me... you dont quite realise how much you like someone until someone else..your best friend tell you they like him too...hahaha oh its like something out of a bloody film.... so now im drinkning beer writing this to you even though no-one will read it and to be honest i just needed to get it off my chest... so fed up of everything and that song.. chip on your shoulder from legallly blonde really speaks to me right now! its great and to be even more honest... im better than that and im better than them and i miht sounds like ' a drama school prick' as harry put but im happy having a chip on my shoulder and imhappy trying to fight my corner no more walking over Emma shes not a rug shes a girl, a girl who was hurt so many times and yet is now stronger ... maybe thats the beer talking but who cares! its my life i'll feel what i want and im at drama school and if i wanna be a queen i will be! and i will be amazing and i will make myself gorgeous! No more letting my guard down with twats who dont deserve me! no more pretending just gunna be real and honset and true and if people dont like it they can fuck off! I know my life isnt hard but to me its all ive known and to me its hard... so people can judege but hey im young and learning... so i dont care... anyway gives me challenges to overcome in myself... and i feel stronger and better... fuck men, fuck everything, gunna get through my college life and concentrate on being un obtainable and fun!

Well it's been a while,

Anyway life might be shit but at least i have Luci.
And i got into Rose Bruford...
Tom and i may have split but we're still friends... i think.

its funny how much things change and the people that come in and out of your life...

' hold your head up high and remember a better time'

*My lighter, superficial side will always be too quick for the deeper side of me, and that's why it will always win. You can't imagine how often ive already to tried to push this person away, to cripple her, to hide her, because after all she's only half of what is called me. And he has touched my emotions more deepply than anyone else has done before,- except in my dreams....*


* I am so frightened, i am so frightend of the unexpected sunrise finishing of revelations and tears and the excitement finishing.I don't fight it, my love is this fear, i nourish it who can nourish nothing, fear hems me in.
I am concious that these miuntes are short and that the colous in my eyes will vanish when your face sets. *

*It really is a wonder i haven't dropped all my ideals because they seem so absurd so impossible to carry out. Yet i keep them, because in spite of everything i still believe that people are really good at heart.*

In bags, tired, scared and on edge...

undervalued, underated and unloved.


I know i've over stayed my welcome but i cant seem to force myself to go...i hate it... i want tog et out i want to be able to live but i cant break this habit... drves me insane...

How is it life can be so amazing one moment and then totally shit the next. I mean this time lastyear i was the happiest person ever. Loads of friends, college, a show, happy relationship.


Now look at me... Drama school dont want me 18 'Dear Miss Cox we're sory to say' 'unfortuently' 'Unsucsessfull' you know im still going but i dont know why.
I have NO money at ll.. nothing.... what have i done to my friends, me and tommy barely talk i just really am a mess. Not suprised no-one wants me. hrist even my family would rather see the back of me...

Ive lost that feeling of hope... i honestly dont know what to do anymore because i feel totally ad utterly in despair... ive lost what it feels like to be valued, to be loved and overall to be wanted... and the best thing... i cant even cry anymore because i have no emotion... nothing...i just wish someone would come and hold me, tell me everything is ok and kiss my forehead, i want to wake up to a ' you're beautiful text' or a face looking at me.. i just really really really dont want to be on my own anymore... Please.... someone....